I feel as though I’m moving in slow-motion tonight.
The bones in my face are very sore, and I’m experiencing some light sensitivity; neither is very nice. Pain or not, though, I’ve been successfully running on autopilot and slowly boxing up some more things in my living room to make space for more boxes and more packing, since I know that the time with which to do so is starting to become limited. Externally, I feel like crap, and internally… I don’t know what I feel. I feel an emptiness that needs to be filled with something, though I can’t identify what that something is at this moment in time. Sort of a spiritual-type something, which I can safely assume is from all the reading and listening I’ve been doing lately on the topic. The pressure I’ve been feeling from others lately may also be taking a toll.
I haven’t been able to bring myself to eat yet today, and since it’s 10:59pm I should probably really get to that. Just can’t seem to de-cloud my mind enough to choose something and then find the energy to get up and get it.
Sitting on my living room floor surrounded by forms, calendars, paper slips, and file folders.
I know that makes it sound like I’m getting lots done, but I keep catching myself staring into space.
BRAIN
ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET THIS SHIT DONE SO I CAN ATTEMPT TO CHILL OUT
OKAY
THAT’S ALL I WANT
…AMONG OTHER THINGS THAT I’M URGING MYSELF TO DISREGARD
IT’S HARD WORK, SO COOPERATE WITH ME PLEASE
Reasons I Can’t Fucking Stand My Uncle:
- he invalidates my daily existence
- he invalidates the total female life experience
- he doesn’t believe in feminism
- he doesn’t believe privilege is a thing
- he doesn’t believe in rape culture
- he doesn’t believe in any form of liberal values whatsoever
- he mocks any reality that is not his own
- he believes I should “just tell him to fuck off” whenever I’m being harassed by a man (and that it’s just that simple!)
- he believes that it will take 200 years for men to stop harassing women and that I should just suck it up and get used to it
- he talks over me and verbally flattens me until he feels like he is back in control of the situation/the other person stops talking
- he is a fucking misogynist idiot pig that makes me feel like shit and gets wasted with my father every single time he comes over
Just finished bawling my eyes out in the basement to try and get away from him and the rest of my family, who apparently didn’t pay attention to me on one of the hardest days in my recent memory: the excruciating day where I finally told them about my history of sexual abuse. “Why didn’t you TELL us?” when they asked why I was so upset, shortly after telling me it was my fault for “working myself up” by attempting to stay outside in the vicinity of my uncle.
Awesome night, as you can see. I feel disgusting.
