Something I’ve noticed about doing this whole recovery thing is the fact that I’m sleeping a whole lot better.
I’m able to go to bed at a more regular time now, with the average being 11:30pm-midnight. I can stay asleep for more hours in a row, and even managed to get an 8-hour streak on a night earlier this week. That might not sound all too amazing, but there was a point only weeks ago where I was sleeping for two-hour intervals before waking up for five hours at a time. It threw everything off, because although I couldn’t sleep, I also didn’t have any energy to do anything else with the time; I ended up bumming around my apartment being too exhausted to even get up to make myself something to eat. It wasn’t a good way to be. Happily, though… I can report that now my appetite is a little bit better too, and I’m starting to think about and work on my off-day routines in case it’ll help even more.
Eating more and moving more helps you sleep? Shocking, I know. But if you’re having troubles with your moods, your sleep, and your general health… I can’t recommend this kind of fitness-focused plan more.
Today is Bell’s Let’s Talk day.
This is its second year running, and for every text message and long-distance call made today, Bell will be donating five cents to fund mental health programs and research. For a full list of their initiatives, go here. For my story, since it’s relevant, Let’s Talk:
Around the age of fourteen my behaviour and my health started to rapidly change. My parents tried to pin it on teenage hormones and the change that comes at that age, but before long my symptoms became too severe for them to ignore any longer, and I started being sent to my family doctor. I know they resent what came next, because they (especially my dad) bring it up to me fairly often - my doctor diagnosed me as mentally ill, and went into patient-confidentiality mode, limiting their knowledge to the following: I was severely depressed, and suffered from a moderate to severe anxiety disorder.
The next few years of my life included me being put on (and taken off) a variety of drugs, since in the world of mental health it’s almost always a guessing game as to which drug will be useful and which will not. Cipralex was my very first anti-depressant, and had the major side-effect of putting me to sleep. It wasn’t long before I began having mental breakdowns at school, and became alienated from virtually everyone I knew, including teachers. I still remember my favourite music teacher telling me to “Get over it, because there were people in Africa with real problems” when I stayed late after school to confide in her. I was devastated.
I dropped out of high school in grade eleven and after around a year of what was essentially comatose existence I began to homeschool myself through the adult education centre in my town. I got my diploma not long after everyone else in my graduating year did, and I even managed to go to prom, though was not met with warm reception. Instead, I heard a lot of “why is she here? She didn’t even graduate”, which was hurtful. I have a lot of regrets about that day even now, but I realize there’s no point dwelling on what was essentially a lot of pomp over nothing. I had bigger fish to fry, anyway.
I set myself a goal of getting into college, and I did. I took one “stepping stone” year where I studied Liberal Arts and Sciences, and graduated with High Honours when I was told I probably wouldn’t be able to finish the year, let alone pass. I still struggled heavily with major depression and anxiety, and it was compounded by the fact that I was facing highly toxic and abusive living situations, and was receiving minimal support. I was also in a relationship that was struggling to repair itself after several instances of betrayal, which only added to my workload. I lost eight people including several family members to sickness, suicide, and accidents that year, I didn’t have many friends, and although I did make it through the year, I faced times of being suicidal. Three days before my exams were due to begin, everything fell apart: my relationship ended and not only did I lose him, I lost most of the friends I had managed to make as a result, I lost a place to live, and I had to move back “home” to my parents’ house (an unhealthy environment for me). My maternal grandfather passed away a month later. It was a long summer of disconnecting myself from pain.
I thankfully started to come up for air near the end of that summer, though my recovery was stalled when my ex came back into my life. I had gotten into my dream program at college (Landscape Design and Architecture) and although I was finally making friends and being interested in new people, my health took another dive. My depression and anxiety came back full-force, and by November I had dropped out of school for the second time in my life. It was a crushing defeat for me, but I knew I needed something to fill my time and went out and got a job. Unfortunately, it was a place that ended up being abusive and intolerant of my health situation, and I quit after nine months of working there. Having nowhere else to turn, I started yet another drug and therapy program in an attempt to heal.
My latest medication is paroxetine, and it’s done a fair bit for me. My depression is at least lessened, and although my anxiety still has power, I’m doing better. I started a program at a local gym this January and am getting my fitness and diet in check, which is helping me a lot (endorphins!). I have real goals now, my legs don’t shake anymore, and I can wake up during the day to go outside. I know how to talk to people, how to stand up for myself when I’m being treated unfairly, and don’t cry myself to sleep every night anymore. I’m even interviewing people and writing a book about my experiences and my road to recovery.
It’s been a rollercoaster ride so far, but the biggest achievement I have to date is this: I’m still here. This time last year, I didn’t think I’d be. I was ready to die, and I’m glad that I didn’t. It didn’t get me - I didn’t get me. I’m a survivor. How many of us are out there, and why aren’t we getting more credit for what we’ve been or are still going through?
It’s February 8th 2012, and I think you should get talking about mental health too. Have anything you want to ask or tell me about? Let’s talk.
Tomorrow Looks Like This:
- First alarm at 7:30
- Shower
- Eat
- Sleep some more (if I’ve slept at all by then… please lord let me sleep)
- Go to the park to feed the birds and squirrels
- Go to the gym (TRX and cardio)
- Stay longer to work on flexibility and balance
- Hand in my week’s meal plan
- Buy remaining groceries
- Come home
- Cook dinner (chicken, rice, and green beans!)
- Yoga (30 minutes)
- Writing (if possible)
- Bed! And hopefully sleep!
I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and frustrated at the moment, but a cold shower will definitely help me… cool off. HA. Really though, all I need is water and rest. Tomorrow’s got more battles to win.
100reasonstorecover:
Here are some applications that you may find helpful for your recovery. All of them are free!
Recovery Record - Apple | Android
“Recovery Record helps you manage your eating disorder discretely from your phone. Recovery Record includes activities you can carry out in order to tackle your Eating Disorder. Self monitoring activities include scheduled reminders, keeping a food record, recording your mood and keeping a thought diary. Its aim is to help you understand what happens when you eat and importantly, to help you recover!”
SUPPORTbuddy - Apple | Android
”With SUPPORTbuddy you can build a private support network, making it easier to share how you are doing, check on friends and family as well as connect with people in support groups focused around health issues. Great Support Tool for Mental and Physical Health Issues like Cancer, Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Cancer, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse and Alcohol Addiction.”
OneRecovery OnTheGo - Apple | Android
” OneRecovery™ is a brand uniquely built by people in recovery for people in recovery. In addition to this mobile meeting finder, OneRecovery provides an online community for people in recovery; offering a supportive space for members to share stories, work on their recovery programs and mutually support one another as they recover from alcoholism, drug addiction and eating disorders.”
eMoods Bipolar Mood Tracker - Android
”Track your moods for treatment of bipolar and other mood and anxiety disorders. Track your daily depressed and elevated moods, symptoms, sleep, and medications and email your doctor a printable chart at the end of each month.”
T2 Mood Tracker - Apple | Android
” T2 Mood Tracker allows users to monitor their moods on six pre-loaded scales (anxiety, stress, depression, brain injury, post-traumatic stress, general well-being). Custom scales can also be built. Users rate their moods by swiping a small bar to the left or to the right. The ratings are displayed on graphs to help users track their moods over time. Notes can be recorded to document daily events, medication changes and treatments that may be associated with mood changes, providing accurate information to help health care providers make treatment decisions. ”
MoodPanda - Apple
” Track your mood wherever you are, and whenever you want. View colorful graphs of your mood. See how your mood has changed over days, weeks and months to get the bigger picture. Privacy mode - enable this on the website to keep your mood posts entirely hidden from other users. Post updates to Facebook & Twitter (optional). Find out what makes you happy. Find out what makes other people happy. Read the World’s public mood posts. Interact with the MoodPanda community.”
Affirmations - Android
”Positive affirmations and positive thinking techniques can help develop a powerful and positive attitude to life; which is an essential element in life success and good health.”
Affirmations! - Apple
”This cool apps gives you 365 positive daily affirmations to read and reflect each day. Use these positive affirmations to direct what your focus will be, and start living a more productive and quality life! Say your positive daily affirmations silently or aloud to yourself, and repeat them as needed to maintain a positive attitude and to counteract any negative thoughts that are running through your mind.”
Also please consider checking out this post. We are asking for your advice and we would love your input.
